Whether you’ve attended one wedding or 15, it’s likely you’ve had to consider the proper wedding guest etiquette before heading to a celebration. There are quite a few obligations that come with being invited to a wedding—from how to answer your RSVPs to what you should wear to the big day—and many of those standards have changed in the last decade as etiquette rules have modernized. Ahead, etiquette expert Lizzie Post of iconic The Emily Post Institute breaks down every rule wedding guests should know to be on their best behavior for the upcoming nuptials in their social calendar.
Wedding RSVP Etiquette
The most important role for you as a guest is to try and make the planning and experience for the to-be-weds as seamless as possible. That’s why you should click into wedding-guest mode the moment the couple asks for your contact info for invitations. Timely responses to any requests by the couple are helpful so they can accurately get the right numbers for their venue, caterers, and budget. Lizzie Post shares that you must follow the RSVP method you’ve been given as well. “If you received a little card in a pre-stamped and pre-addressed envelope, then by all means, fill that out,” Post says. “If there's a wedding website, check to see if there's a RSVP section.”
While your RSVP card may give you a choice of steak or a vegetarian option, it’s also a spot where you can note if you have a serious food allergy. “It’ll let the caterers know what they're dealing with,” says Post. However, she explains this is not a spot for you to put in preferences you may have. “It’s not here for you to list a bunch of requests,” she shares. “It’s here for you to make note of a safety issue.”
You also might be getting a few additional invitations for wedding events like a welcome party, rehearsal dinner, or other fun get-togethers over the weekend like a brunch or pickleball tournament. These events can be wonderful additions to the celebrations and great ways to get more facetime with the couple and other guests, but Post notes, “You’re not obligated to attend anything other than the ceremony and the reception.” Just make sure to give an accurate RSVP so the couple can prepare for the headcount.
Wondering if your partner, a date, or children can come? Your invitation should quickly answer that question based on who the envelope is addressed to. If you’re in a couple, you may get one invitation addressed to you both at one address or a separate invitation sent specifically to your partner if they don’t live with you. If you are single, the invitation will explicitly state “plus one” or “and guest.” You can then add your chosen guest’s name on the RSVPs. “We have come to a place where if you are receiving a plus one, you are welcome to bring whomever you’d like—your mother, your sibling, a best friend,” notes Post. “It doesn’t have to be a romantic date.” As for kids? “If your children’s names or ‘and family’ are listed either on the outer or inner envelope, that means your children are invited,” she shares. If additional guests outside yourself are not listed, do not write their names on your RSVP card as they are not invited.
Wedding Gift Etiquette
Another obligation that comes with attending someone’s wedding? Sending the couple a gift. Even if you receive an invite that you have to decline, it’s polite to send something still. “This doesn’t have to be a big gift, but it is customary. The reason is this is one of—if not the most—significant moments in someone’s life. To witness it, be a part of it, and celebrate it is a really big honor,” says Post. “My absolute favorite is a picture frame engraved with the date of the wedding on it.”
Giving a yes RSVP? Then giving a gift to the couple is an absolute must. However, you don’t have to spend a standard amount per wedding present. “Your gift budget is totally up to you,” shares Post. “It does not have to be over $100, and it does not have to be off the registry either. You are the person buying and giving this. It’s up to you what you spend on it, what it is, and how you do it.” She advises choosing a gift based on what is appropriate for your budget. This can be buying a few small pieces off the registry or contributing a nice sum to the honeymoon fund. Of course, if a couple states something like “your presence is a gift” on the invitation, it is appropriate to forgo buying a present. Bringing a nice handwritten card to the wedding is a great alternative if you still want to give something.
While etiquette used to dictate that you had a year after a wedding to send a gift, Post says that timeline has moved up to three months. “It is really nice to get it done as quickly as possible because couples are often trying to do things like write their thank you notes,” she says. “I think you do yourself a lot of favors by not letting it get to that three months or later point.” She also reminds guests that if they are invited to attend a bridal shower, they will need to give an additional gift as well.
Wedding Guest Attire Etiquette
Apart from being present and helping the couple have a great time at their wedding, following a dress code is one of your main responsibilities as a guest. The to-be-weds have put lots of time, money, and planning into curating the big day, so consider following their requests to maintain a certain sartorial aesthetic as an agreement you made with your RSVP. “The biggest goal as a guest is you're trying to match the formality and you’re trying to avoid stealing the spotlight,” notes Post. “So if you can check those two boxes, then my guess is you’re doing right as a guest.”
While following traditional dress codes (or the creative dress codes an invite might list like “beach formal” or “colorful cocktail”) is required, there is still some nuance to what is considered appropriate. Going to the wedding of a very fashion-forward non-traditional couple? You might be able to get away with revealing attire with cut-outs, sheer fabric, or a very low neckline. Attending a wedding of a more traditional family? Reconsider that outfit choice. “We’re asking people to be thoughtful,” explains Post. “Think about the people who are attending and hosting this wedding and what they might think is appropriate.”
The biggest faux pas to avoid at a wedding is wearing white. Whether you’re attending a wedding with a bride or with two grooms, this hue is traditionally considered “bridal” in Western cultures and it’s very possible that one or both of the couple might wear the shade—regardless of gender. Unless a dress code states to wear white, it’s wise to avoid the color altogether. Worried your ensemble might seem too close to the hue? If you have to ask, you probably shouldn’t wear it. One frequent conundrum guests face is if they can wear a printed ensemble with white in it. A good rule of thumb is if the base of the dress is white, it’s best to leave it at home. However if you choose a colorful dress with a white print, you’re probably in the clear.
Other colors to avoid? While we love a LBD, wearing an entirely black ensemble is typically something to avoid. “You should not look like you are attending a funeral. Black is fine if you add something to it or if there’s something that breaks it,” says Post. Red is also a traditional shade worn by brides in Indian and Chinese cultures. If a member of the couple comes from that background, you should reconsider wearing the hue for their wedding day.
Wedding Guest Behavior Etiquette
As the wedding weekend arrives, your number one job as a guest is to be present. “We’re showing up on time in the proper attire for the occasion,” says Post. “We are finding our hosts, greeting them, and saying how pleased we are to be here. We’re congratulating the couple and we’re making sure to get that face time with them to do it. We’re participating in whatever's there.” She also says etiquette dictates you should wait for the cake to be cut before you can leave and to make sure to thank the hosts and say goodbye before you go. Post adds, “That is—in a nutshell—your job as a wedding guest.”
There are a few other ways you can be on your best behavior as a wedding guest. First, try not to bombard the couple with logistical questions either ahead of or during the party—it’s best to ask around and not bother the guests of honor on their big day. Next, watch your alcohol intake at the reception: You want to be remembered for adding to the party and not taking away from it. Another etiquette essential to follow? Don’t take any floral arrangements from the wedding without permission. You never know if those pieces could be rentals or have other intended uses. “Some couples have already made arrangements to send them to a local hospital,” notes Post. “Others take them because they paid for them and they would like them to decorate their own homes. A lot of times they're given to special family and friends.” A final etiquette tip? Keep it simple. Post shares, “Keep the focus on the couple and mind your P’s and Q’s.”
