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Forget 9-to-5. Mothering knows no schedule—often it feels more like 5-to-9 and everything in between. In this series, we look at the hectic, messy, sometimes beautiful, often frustrating enterprise of being a mother—and maintaining a life of your own. Consider it a “day in the life” for the forgotten hours. Today, we’re following stand-up comedian, actor, and mom of twins Michelle Buteau, whose Netflix special, Michelle Buteau: A Buteau-ful Mind at Radio City Music Hall, is out now. Read earlier installments of 5-to-9 here.
I don’t know, I feel like waking up when the sun’s not up should not be legal? It’s giving “training for a marathon that I’ll never be in” vibes, and I can’t wrap my tired mind around it! Either way, the show must go on, bish! And so do those gold eye patches! I’m up and at around 5:30 a.m. to set kids’ school stuff for husband since he’ll be taking them to school since I’ve got some morning press for my HERstoric comedy special A Buteau-ful Mind at Radio City Music Hall! First stop is Kelly and Mark! The picture isn’t the only thing that’s blurry! She needs her coffee okaaay?!?
I’m always so thankful when my team shows up safe and happy. Every day is a gift! As they set up hair, makeup, and wardrobe I pour coffee in my face, touch my toes, get prepped by producers and also motorboat some yogurt and fruit.
Oopsie poopsie! She’s had no time for a manicure, so I send my assistant out to get some nail polish to match whatever’s on my hand. Truly, beauty takes time! But I’d always rather have therapy and a massage than a manicure. She is who she is!
Last touches before live television feels like the last minute of The Great British Bake Off where everyone’s trying to get their cake decorated! Same vibes with no Paul Hollywood handshake.
I love live television. It’s like doing stand up comedy for the first time. You can plan but you never know what’s going to happen, all you can do is have fun and stay in the moment!
Next stop is the third hour of The Today Show with my squirrel friends Hoda and Jenna! And of course there’s an outfit change cause come on now! We all these dope plus size options? You know ya girl had a wardrobe change complete with another coffee, toe touch, warrior one and two stretch, and a ripe banana. Did you know that monkeys eat bananas from the bottom? I think about it every time I have a banana.
I learned a rule in comedy early on that applies to everything in life. Go where you’re celebrated, not tolerated. That’s how I roll. I love Hoda & Jenna and always have a great time. I also announced the season two drop (March 27!) of my show Survival of the Thickest on their show.
I’ve got two hours before the kids come home from school and even though I have some writing assignments to do I’m going to play hooky because my brother-in-law is visiting from Germany and my mother is in from Florida! We went out to lunch in Dumbo for some delicious overpriced pasta with a view, because it’s what Yahweh would’ve wanted. Is that me with a glass of wine? YES IT IS. How else am I supposed to eat pasta?
I picked kids up from school and it’s always so sweet when they’re happy to see me for those very precious four minutes. Then they want pizza, chocolate, gum, an iPad and none of those things are happening so they think it’s a good idea to eat snow from the street? Ew. Please don’t.
I’m not sure what the kids learned in school today but my son Otis wants to move to Thailand and convinced us to have Thai food for dinner and then didn’t want to eat any of it. All good, what Otis doesn’t know is that I LOVE leftovers for breakfast.
After wrangling my twins in and out of the shower with shower caps, goggles, shower songs, it’s time to comb their hair and brush their teeth! But ya know what they wanna do instead? EVERYTHING ELSE. The next 30 minutes is all pillow fights, thumb wrestling, rock, paper scissors and apple slices. Good night everyone! If I don’t text you back, sis, you know why!